Anxiety & Wellbutrin
I keep getting rushes of anxiety and my guess is that it’s caused by my recent drop– quitting of Wellbutrin, 300mg. I think it’s been about a month and a half or so that I took my last pill. That drug had been in my body’s system for about eight months until I suddenly decided I didn’t need it because I was fine and/or it wasn’t working. Classic case scenario of what you are NOT supposed to do. (The whole “stopping medication without talking to your doctor” part.)
I initially took the medicine to help ease my past symptoms of depression.
I had been doing fairly well with not allowing myself to take too big of a dive into one of those deep, dark pits. But then, we experienced a pretty disgusting family crisis and I lost interest in maintaining my holistic approach to wellbeing. I fell victim to the easily prescribed drug and gave myself permission to use it for coping, despite hating medication. Don’t we all?
Anyways, I combined the drugs with a half dozen counseling sessions and one truly religious meditation practice and have since been on my way to recovery, understanding and acceptance [of untold crisis]. And by religious, I mean dedicated. I still meditate 5-45 minutes every single night.
So, I don’t like anxiety attacks.
Normally, I’d say meditation should help anxiety overall, but I think the drug withdrawal symptoms kicked it into high gear. And since I’ve been meditating regularly on my normal body sensations, the tingly, uncomfortable sensations of anxiety have just been pushed up front and center stage to my awareness.
I feel crappy, nervous, worried, and just downright anxious like I did something awful and am facing some impending death sentence. For no tangible reason at all. As I write, my body is filled with thousands of jittery sensations, almost as if there were butterflies or something much less appealing, like ants, crawling inside every area of my body. My chest and heart feels super tight and tensed up. I can take a deep breath, release slowly, and feel my chest drop down several inches into relaxation… Only to tighten right back up where it was.
For three days now, I’ve been stressed from constant anxiety. My mind has been like a broken record loop questioning every single thing I’ve said and done. Anxiety kicks in randomly and suddenly I start taking everything in almost as in slow motion. I feel each and every single move I make. I hear each and every single word that comes out of my mouth.
Did I just move in a weird way? Why did I just step in that direction? Does this person think I’m weird. I had no reason to move over there. Did I say that word correctly? Oh no, I think I said it slightly weird. I shouldn’t have said that sentence in that tone of voice. Did I offend them? What are they thinking? Did I say something dumb? Am I being too weird? Was that rude of me? They think I’m naive and stupid, don’t they? Why did I say that?
The endless anxiety-caused thoughts linger for hours, typically while I’m delivering the mail for four-five hours. My husband just asks why I allow someone else to have so much power over me. I constantly wonder myself. I realize the thoughts are insignificant and that, more than likely, no one cares that much about me or anyone. And if they do, who cares? Do I have mal intentions? If not, I can acknowledge directly that anxiety is causing these thoughts unnecessarily.
I can observe the anxiety without judgment (for all things must come to pass).
I recognize the stupidity of my thoughts. Really, I do. So, I try my best to just listen without judgment to my mind rattle on and eventually the thoughts subside. However, my physical (and annoying) sensations of anxiety still remain in full effect for a good solid amount of time. Today, for example, my social anxiety started around 12pm, which triggered my physical anxiety, and has remained almost constant for about 12 hours now. I probably had a total of 2 hours of spaced out breaks from the anxiety.
In order to end this anxiety, I decided to share the experience with you here. I can typically reduce, if not eliminate, my anxiety by writing out my thoughts for 2-3 solid hours. I may also choose to sing or play piano for a good chunk of time. When I play music, sing, or write, I can pretty much rid any harsh emotional state. It’s truly therapeutic.
I also like to say three positive affirmations: I am happy. I am healthy. I am the pure expression of love.
I started saying those affirmations awhile ago before deciding to quit my medication. They help, especially if I use those affirmations to set an intention for my nightly meditation. Otherwise, I say them the moment I start to think or feel something in the past that contributed to my dark moments of depression.
It works quite well.