JOB TITLE: Mother at Mommy & Love Household
JOB SUMMARY: Create a safe and nurturing environment for the children. Maintain a clean household and healthy family. Maintain your sanity and keep the husband happy.
Be Functional While Sleep Deprived
Wake up 1-4 times/night to breastfeed baby and change diaper.
Wake up 1-2 times/night to comfort toddler and force her back into her bedroom. (Settle with couch if you can’t handle the job.)
Wake up extra early when baby is in a deep sleep to feed toddler.
Possibly go back to bed until toddler wakes up baby.
Morning Duties with 2 Year and 3 Month Old
Shower with toddler.
Bathe baby in baby tub until he can sit and play with shampoo bottles in a shower.
Take 15 minutes to brush toddler’s teeth with her.
Braid toddler’s hair like a princess.
Pick out clothing and dress them.
Put earrings back in toddler’s ears and let her choose the color.
Load and unload dishwasher.
Clean large dishes by hand.
Laundry for family of four, including special cloth diaper loads–put in washer, dryer, AND PUT AWAY.
Sweep the hard floors 100 times/day– pick up every single cheerio, raisin, cat food piece, and cracker crumb.
Mop the hard floors.
Vacuum carpet areas– scrub milk, juice, grape and strawberry/fruit stains.
Deep clean bathrooms–toilets, sinks, mirrors, shower/bath tub.
Feed and water the cats.
Scoop the cat litter.
Wipe the kitchen counters.
Clean the stove.
Empty bathroom and kitchen garbage.
Clean up toddler potty accidents & moments when baby pees everything around him.
Redo most of those things because of toddler spills and excess baby poop.
Wear baby in Moby Wrap while cleaning.
Make sure toddler helps with everything and triples the duration time of chores.
**Bonuses available for those who can keep living room free of toys.
**Triple Bonus available for those who can keep toddler’s bedroom clean.
Go grocery shopping, with both children. Must be able to push the largest red car cart at the store with screaming children inside.
Make breakfast and lunch for toddler.
Make snacks for toddler who is hungry every half hour.
Cook healthy dinner for entire family.
Breastfeed the baby 1-4 times/night and every 2-3 hours/day.
Pass out vitamins after dinner instead of dessert.
They both need LONG naps. If you forget to give them a nap around noon, you are fired.
Schedule and take children to all doctor appointments.
Schedule your own doctor appointments and bring two children with you.
Call insurance companies and hospitals as needed to correct billing issues.
Watch Barbie, Winnie the Pooh, and My Little Pony at least 1X/day.
Kids activities–paint, play doll house, crafts, read books, color, sing, dance, and run around
Take toddler to Tae Kwon Do once/week.
Bounce baby at least 2 hours per day.
Listen to toddler talk all day, non-stop.
Don’t forget to change baby’s diaper and remind toddler to go potty.
Mentally be capable of handling all of the above with children’s excessive whiny-ness and crying at unpredictable times.
We are looking for the perfect candidate who can do all of the above and take on a second full time (40 hours/week) side job too. You are not allowed to stop breastfeeding the baby. Please pump before, during, and after work to maintain milk supply. You will also be required to pay for a full time daycare ($1000/month minimum). It is essential that you succeed in both full time jobs. Feel free to contact me below in the comments to start working in the next hour. Thanks.