If you know anything about me at all, it’s that I have superior mothering skills and though you’ve spent countless hours trying to keep up, you fail every time. You probably even tried to one up my innate abilities only to end up in complete utter failure again. I don’t like to be represented as a narcissistic motherhood guidance counselor, but desperate times call for desperate measures. It’s time to share my secrets with you so you can figure out what you are doing wrong.
Let’s just see if you can follow my lead and become a better mother this time.
1. I hold daily science experiments to develop our children’s left brain functioning.
It is important to teach children math and science so even girls can grow up to be intelligent. I find that the easiest way to do this is to observe the growth of biological organisms in our refrigerator. Every time we open the refrigerator door, we note the number of rotting food containers and gawk at the current growth of fuzzy mold. It’s fascinating. We currently have a taco-spiced black beans and rice dish with record breaking growth.
2. I ensure emergency preparedness by regularly performing fire drills.
Family safety is top priority, especially since the people who owned our house before us experienced a large house fire. Therefore, my husband and I regularly burn food in order to set the smoke detectors off. It is important to have an escape plan for every room in the house and our random fire drills keep our children on their toes.
3. I teach advanced lessons on sustainable food systems and animal cruelty in order to raise children to become environmental activists so just maybe their children can exist in a beautiful world too.
It’s as simple as serving vegetarian, plant-based meals with local dairy products from trusted farmers and eggs from our backyard, free-range chickens. I respond with straight forward answers to all of their questions in order to avoid confusion.
Do you eat bacon? No, it’s dead pig.
Do you eat chicken? No, it’s dead chicken.
But it tastes good. Should we cook up our dog and eat him too?
Why don’t you like meat? I don’t like killing animals and eating their flesh.
4. I aid in boosting my children’s immune system to keep them healthy.
When my baby’s pacifier falls on the germ-infested floor, I give it right back to that baby, especially when out in public. If my baby finds a month old sippy cup filled with water behind the couch, do I let them drink it? Sure, take a sip. Day old peanut butter bread on the floor? Sure, eat it up. The occasional kitty litter snack? At least it’s not a daily occurrence. When everyone in the house is sick, do I freakishly Lysol every countertop and toy in sight? Nah, they’re good. I keep up to date on their childhood vaccines to make sure they are safe.
5. I introduce my children to parenthood at an early age with the goal of promoting smart choices regarding future sexual activity.
Ideally, I will not have grandchildren when my children are between the ages of 13-18 years old. It would simply make life better for everyone involved. To promote sexual education at an early age, I make sure my three year old daughter takes care of her baby brother 100% of the time. If he is crying, it is her responsibility to figure out what is wrong.
Does he need a snack? Go get one for him.
Does he need a drink? Go get one for him.
Does he need a toy? Go get one for him.
Does he need a new diaper? Go get one for him.
Hopefully, this will teach her that babies are not always cute. If my son happened to be the older child, he would be required to do the same thing.
6. I break the barriers of gender stereotypes in order to teach equality.
It is not wrong to make my baby boy use his sister’s pink comforter for his entire first year of life. Just because he is a boy does not mean he has to use a blue blanket. I allow my children to choose their own personal interests regardless of what society declares the gender requirements are for their preferred activity. This is why my son also has the luxury of playing with baby dolls, ponies and princesses on a daily basis. So what if he hasn’t been introduced to superheroes and monster trucks yet?
7. I choose to divvy out chores in a non-sexist fashion.
My girl will only be allowed to cook and clean and my son will only be allowed to do outdoor work.
Are you EFFING kidding me? I think I just vomited in my mouth a little bit. I do not distinguish between boy and girl gender roles. My toddler girl knows how to haul wood back and forth from the barn to the basement. My son will help cook and clean. And vice versa. Period.
8. I teach my children proper relaxation techniques.
If screaming and yelling is getting the best of you, default to alcohol. It is the cure all solution to stress, anxiety, and frustration. When my son was just under one year old, he helped himself to a glass of wine during a Christmas gathering. He carefully picked up the glass wine, without spilling any of it on the beautiful new beige carpet and took a sip to relieve his social anxiety.
9. I skip religious services in order to avoid traumatizing my children forever.
This might be a little contradicting when you reflect back on my vegetarianism explanations, but these Bible verses are downright terrifying.
Jeremiah 19:9– An enemy army will surround the city. They will not let anyone go out to get food. The people will become so hungry they will eat the bodies of their own sons and daughters. And then they will begin to eat each other. (International Children’s Bible)
Psalm 137:9– How blessed will be the one who seizes your young children and pulverizes them against the cliff! (International Standard Bible)
2 Kings 6:28-29– Then he asked her, “What’s the matter?” She answered, “This woman said to me, ‘Give up your son so we may eat him today, and tomorrow we’ll eat my son.’ 29 So we cooked my son and ate him. The next day I said to her, ‘Give up your son so we may eat him,’ but she had hidden him.” (New International Version)
Did I go too far by stating that skipping church makes me a better mother? Most definitely, but as a rational agnostic mother, I would like to think that any God would allow my family to enter a glorious heaven if we do our best to lead a loving and moral life. I find it best to let my children explore spirituality and religion on their own terms instead of being forced to learn one explanation to mysterious life questions.
I forgot to mention I want to avoid having my children be deathly afraid of being sent to hell at age ten because they are too timid to publicly admit they are sinners and need Jesus in their life… That happened to me.
10. I embrace my ability to parent with imperfection.
A little rough-around-the-edge parenting brings up unique and confident children, unafraid to explore the world around them and learn the real meaning of life. My kids can walk outside without socks and shoes. They are not required to layer up with a billion undershirts. They don’t need to wear coordinating ribbons and bows every single time anybody sees them. They are allowed to roll around in the dirt and store leftover food on their face for days. They can even wear pajamas for a couple days in a row… If they do something wrong, just beat them and they will start listening. Otherwise, just stop and succumb to the normality of messy toddlers, stinky babies, and lazy parenting. A little less shrewdness and a lot of love and forgiveness.
Then, just maybe, you will start stepping up to my superior level of mothering.
But I doubt it.